What Can Be Said 013

Continuing with Post # 012, I am finding the part of my past that I wanted to write about is difficult to put into words, there is too much detail and not enough words. Sometimes the pictures of our memories are not easily put into words. As stated in the phrase, “a picture is worth a thousand words.” I guess the challenge is going to know what to add and what to exclude.

“Even in the negative thought progress of one’s own depravity God will get your attention.” I had originally intended to put down in words every detail of how God had decided to get my attention, and how it had affected me spiritually. However, I think if I did that it would be more like glorifying me than glorifying God. I know that the, “old man” in me enjoys the idea of what your response would be concerning those events. Moreover, we are in no way here to glorify ourselves, but it is God Almighty whom the glory belongs.

To be completely truthful it wasn’t until some years had passed that I looked back and understood that God was tapping me on the shoulder and it was God telling me that I had strayed beyond the limitations of the flock. We are after all under Authority and we do have limitations. Indeed, we are free, but there are without doubt places that will be harmful for us to stray into.

I remember just before calling to God and just after thanking Him for saving me from each event, for “pulling me through” as it were, though that feeling of thankfulness didn’t stay long. I guess I just wasn’t ready to admit that I was angry over my physical condition. Moreover, I certainly was not ready to say I was sorry for my actions or my feelings.

I’m sure no one looks forward to the feeling of impending death; and fear that I felt was real but I’m not sure on some level it wasn’t what I really wanted. Not the fear, but the death. Life in it self can be miserable but having to live with the fact that you will never again have that that was taken away is (or was) beyond what could handle. In the simplicity of my mind, I knew I was saved, and in that gave a kind of comfort to the idea. I hated what I was and what I had become and I hated God for putting me in that situation.

I never did attempt to take my own life, not in the traditional ways. I simply continued on the path I was heading, slowly tearing down whatever was left.

The bright spot in this situation is that God did eventually get my attention and He did help me to come to terms with my physical condition. Although I still didn’t understand the, “why” in all this, God taught me that I could live this way and that I could worship Him this way. The breath the depth and the length of all this would take time and I was willing to wait.

It was 1998 when I finally started coming back to Church, yeah I had come a couple times a year for a while but I still remember the Sunday that I was sitting in Church and I realized that I had come two weeks in a row. Seems silly now but it was very important to me then. Yes, I still mess up and I still have questions but not as many as before. Thank you Lord.